this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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