i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
