Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
