How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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