I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I lost the right to judge tonight
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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