its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
