This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
