I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
