tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
