I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Randomize
