i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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