i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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