hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Randomize
