He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My vagina just clenched in fear
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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