can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
