I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
