All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
