It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
