In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
