I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
