my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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