i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
