Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
