Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
