You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
