Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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