Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
