Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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