Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
