I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
