onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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