you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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