I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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