your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
