matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
