Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you traded sex for a burrito?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
