I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
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Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
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She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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