i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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