Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
