I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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