Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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