I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
