i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
