The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
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