Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
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We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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