My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
