there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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