I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
