I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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