I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza