you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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