Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
