Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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