i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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