it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
