i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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