That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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