This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
