I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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