I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
