he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
