you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
