this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
