I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
