Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
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you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
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Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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