The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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